Monday, December 29, 2014

Not Really Resolutions

Hiiiiiiiii there.  What's happening?  You good?  Things okay?  How's the family?

It's almost 2015.  2014 wasn't awful (except that whole dog-cancer thing, that sucked).  I'm not chasing it out the door with a pitchfork like 2013.

That said, I felt a shift the other day.  The shift was made up of several smaller facets.

Facet One was actually registering the asexuality thing from a few weeks ago.  It was very freeing to realize how many things I no longer had to spend physical or mental energy on, because I don't care if anyone finds me sexually appealing or not.  Seriously, it was a long list.  It's a very hard feeling to describe.  I've rewritten this paragraph about fifteen times, and I have yet to be able to find words for it.

Facet Two was a similar realization about career and work.  I spend a lot of my time and energy doing things because they're my way of earning a living.  They are not things I would ever do if I wasn't getting paid for them.  They wear me out, and I don't have energy to pursue my own interests.  I am trading my life for money.  If I can figure out how to need less money… and in this mental state, I stumbled across a website that advocates generating wealth for early retirement through extreme frugality (http://www.mrmoneymustache.com).  Usually, I only vaguely understand financial talk, but this particular website did not make my eyes cross or my head swim.  Perhaps I was in the exact right position to read this particular point of view because I had already been wrestling with

Facet Three, which was exhaustion from constantly bailing out my cluttered mess of a home.  I really like my house, and I like my stuff, but I'm absolutely overwhelmed.  I couldn't even emotionally handle bringing home leftovers from Xmas dinner, because it would involved bringing OBJECTS into the house, and I'm at critical mass.  One of the things I did get for Giftmas was a Barnes & Noble gift card, so I decided to go browse (I'm a Kindle devotee, because of the OBJECTS problem, but sometimes I just like to roam around a bookstore, even if I can't imagine actually buying something).  I stumbled across a book about hardcore tidying.  I flicked through it, put it back on the shelf, and went home, gift card unspent.  It nagged at me, though, so I purchased the Kindle version.  I ripped through it in about 2 hours.  Purge things that I do not love, in order to gain serenity and sanity?  And in doing so, perhaps become accustomed to the idea of having less- buying less- wanting less?

Facet Four involved ripping out a dead tree in my backyard.  There is a great big empty planter now that I intend to use to grow some sort of food plant in a straw bale.  Perhaps I'll make Zippy a fort out of the bale-planters, who knows.  Either way, I'm going to replace something I don't want with something I DO want.

Someone (probably many someones) once told me that you never say what you're NOT going to do, you say what you ARE going to do, because giving a name to the negative gives it power.

I am going to dress and behave in ways that make me happy.

I am going to spend money on things that I love, so that I may eventually spend all my time doing things to amuse myself.

I am going to surround myself only with objects that I love and want to be there.

I am going to build Zippy a strawberry plant fort.

Shall we saunter into 2K15?


Monday, December 1, 2014

Sick

I have had a headache since Thursday night.

I have been sickish since Friday.

I stayed home from work today, and I will probably stay home from work tomorrow.

I am at my wit's end with the headache.  It's not even that bad, it's just unrelenting.

The air pressure has been fluctuating wildly, which is probably why it's happening.

It's supposed to rain buckets tomorrow, I am hoping that the pressure will level off.

The dog and the cat have been extremely ON ME since all this began.

I love you two, but come on.  You're heavy and hot and everything hurts and please I can't roll over in bed if you're all draped on me.

I'm tired of feeling like crap.