Saturday, November 15, 2014

TMI Time!

So, I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I'm sorta asexual.

I say "sorta," because I don't know if it's just a phase in my life, or if it has always been this way and I am just now realizing it.

I do not know that I have ever found anyone sexually attractive.  I am not aromantic, and I have been in love many many times, but I do not really know if anyone has really turned my gears that way, so to speak.

I know when people are physically beautiful specimens, and I certainly like looking at that sort of person, but it's a detached sort of feeling.  I like to look at flowers and gemstones and beautiful architecture, too.  It's pretty much the same emotion for me.

When I was younger, I craved the feeling of being wanted, and I figured that the feeling I got when someone desired me (for whatever reason) was sexual attraction.  Now that I'm older, I'm not sure it is.  If I do become aroused, it's certainly not directed at anyone.  It was an odd day when I realized that other people DO find each other arousing.  The only thing I wanted from other people was to be approved of.

In any case, over the last five years or so I have stopped performing behaviors that would indicate that I am interested in sexual relationships of any kind.  I do not flirt.  I don't make sexual jokes.  I do not use double entendres (at least, not on purpose, which can get embarrassing when people think I've said something suggestive and I didn't realize it).  I do not move my body in ways that could be interpreted as inviting.  My vibe is "chilly and distant" or "human Muppet."  Neither are alluring.

For the most part, I think people pick up on it.  If anyone asks, I generally say that my sexual preference is "no, thank you."

When someone doesn't pick up on it, I get extremely uncomfortable.

When a casual acquaintance includes a winky-face emoji and a reference to massage in an FB message about whether or not I will be attending an event, it makes me cranky.

Yes, I will be attending this event.

Before, I figured that the days leading up to the event would be filled with thoughts of "what appetizers shall I bring?"

Now, they get to be filled with the discomfort of knowing that I will have to be face-to-face with someone, and that I will have to bluntly state that I do not welcome that sort of interaction.  I don't like making someone feel awkward, but I also am not interested in being flirted with, jokingly or not.    I do not like being made uncomfortable.  I don't like making others uncomfortable.

But if it's going to happen one way or the other, I'm going to make damn sure it's not me.

12 comments:

  1. You made me think. And think hard.

    Most people only think on a 'thats what I want so doesn't everyone else' level.

    Thank you for reminding me that others may not want the same things out of life.

    I think you are a step ahead of most people in understanding yourself and your needs.

    I know that I am one of the few that feel the same way. Knew I wasn't broke, just different. There are more of us, they just don't advertise the fact.

    You said it well. Thank you for this post.

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    1. You're welcome. Thanks for reading. I was super grumpy about it last night, and I had to vent.

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  2. This is a brave post, but it really shouldn't have to be. My best friend was just like you, she fell in love often - with girls, boys, stories, movie characters, dolls - but she didn't want to be physically intimate with anyone. Especially since the Internet our society is hyper sexual, and women('s bodies) get hyper sexualized everywhere. It must be tricky navigating sometimes. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. It is getting more and more surreal as I get older to realize just how sexual our culture is. Walking around, hearing music, seeing advertisements, watching movies…. yeah, I'm not the demographic. It's weird as hell to realize how important it is to everyone else, and how unimportant it is to me.

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  3. I have an ex that I'm fairly certain was asexual. It was difficult, but mostly because he wouldn't admit that it could be causing problems in our relationship because he didn't want to talk about it. We could have probably worked something out if he had been willing to.

    In my experience, asexual or not, there seems to be a type that takes "I'm not interested" to mean "I'm playing hard to get". Straight-out meanness sometimes works, but I hate doing that without just cause. Good luck.

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    1. I look back on all my relationships and I can definitely see where my tendencies were a point of contention, but I truly didn't realize what was going on until very recently.

      Not being aromantic makes it even weirder.

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  4. It would be interesting to see what society would be like without the need or desire for sex... maybe a lot less uncomfortable for some, hehe.

    Seeing as I could count on one hand the amount of advances I've ever received, I can't say I can relate to the annoyance... but generally I feel like a deer in head lights when anyone tries to make small talk with me at an event I was likely dragged into lol.

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    1. My chilly-untouchable vibe is really quite powerful, so it takes someone who is really clueless to bumble past it. I have yet to figure out a really good in-the-moment response. I have a feeling that my left eyebrow goes WAY up.

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  5. I think the older I get the more I can see that there is more variation and fluidity in gender and sexuality that just the binary view that is often portrayed in the media. I think the goth community in particular have always been more open to that possibility. It's a brave post and it's nice to read something that challenges the overly sexualised view of women that you see in a lot of places. I've always had a pretty take it or leave it attitude to sex and have never understood how people can have it without the relationship and love behind it. For me it's the love and friendship of the relationship that makes it more than just exercise.

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    1. I keep wondering if something sexually hideous happened to me in a past life, and this is some sort of bleed-through. But it does make the love-relationship part of life a little harder… as if it wasn't weird enough.

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  6. this makes total sense to me. i think i'm going through a phase like this right now, which is difficult when you're in a marriage relationship. of course, it could be a host of other things . . . honestly, all i want lately is someone to sit next to or cuddle in bed beside without all the rest of the hanky-panky for a while. just blissfully, unexpecting, coziness.

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    1. I'm told that's a not-uncommon side effect of having kids and a job and a house and a husband and pets. Someone in Portland (Seattle? Someplace like that) recently opened up a Cuddle Salon. She just cuddles people for a living, nothing sexual. I find the idea appealing, but I cannot imagine a general populace that is capable of understanding the boundary between physical contact and sexual contact. Perhaps that's my own paranoia speaking, though.

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