Saturday, October 5, 2013

Never wanted to rage-vomit before

After coming home to the eviction letter on his bedroom door, VR was quick to try to apologize, presumably to try to halt what had already occurred.  I raised my voice farther than I should have.

I think I was mean.

I don't like being mean.  There is a difference between being a bitch and being mean.  Being a bitch is just drawing a line in the sand and refusing to budge.  Being mean aims to injure.  I think I was aiming to injure.  I was so full of hurt and latent anxiety and exhaustion that I wanted to share the sensation.

In any case, my gut hurts like hell and every single one of my nerves is shot.  I would give anything for a Xanax right now.

My entire support system was at the movies when I finished my tirade and stormed out of the house to walk the dog and vent the adrenaline.  I had nobody to Monday-morning quarterback with, so now I have no real memory of what I said.  It washed away in a flood of stress hormones.  I hope some of it was taken to heart.  I know I used the phrase "shockingly un-self-aware" and "I cannot have TWO disorders in the house, I am white-knuckling through every day loaded up on an astonishingly high dose of stimulants to try to keep the chaos at bay, and I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE."

I will probably vomit before bed.

In any case, I am repainting the front door on November 1, and changing out the lock.  I have paint chips taped to the door to see which one grows on me.

I'm so tired of feeling like this.

Never again.

6 comments:

  1. So will he stay there until the end of October then, or has he already gone?

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    1. November 1 is lock changing day, and he has been told to stay the hell out of my way. It's a lot of shit to find a home for, and he has to find another poor sucker to house him. California is really really REALLY expensive to live in, there's no way he could find his own place.

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  2. DO NOT APOLOGIZE AND DO NOT BACK DOWN. You did what you had to do. You were nicer than he deserved. This is your house, not his, and you are not his caretaker.

    I would suggest having a friend or family member over when the eviction date comes, if he's still around, and doing an audio or video recording if there's a confrontation. I had this planned for my own vagrant, but when he realized I was sticking to my guns, he left a couple days early.

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    1. Are you kidding? I am literally going to be painting the door and changing the lock on November first. My mother (aka landlord) and I are making a thing of it. No, I'm just shy of six feet and just shy of 200 pounds. I never yell, and i YELLED. I'm pretty damned scary when I need to be. This will go quietly.

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  3. I'm so sorry you feel bad, but you did the right thing. Really, in every way - even if you hurt him, no actually, EVEN better if you hurt him! He NEEDS to hear it. He should have had monkey poo flung on him a long time ago, repeatedly.
    But I'm sorry it has been, and still is, making you feel bad. You deserve better. Painting the door sounds great, can I opt for purple? Changing the locks is a good idea too, and call the cops if he isn't leaving.

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    1. I called to talk to my mother last night. She applauded my anger and then indicated that there would be a terrifying sequel- Mom's Wrath. I get why she made me do the ousting, and I am grateful that she made me have the spine to do it unaided, but now that I have made it official, she's ready to say some shit to VR. I fear for him. I really do. She can make a grown man cry.

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