Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Rivers in Italy

Today, while I was busy collapsing rabbit tunnels in the rabbitarium at work, my mother called.  I sat on a bale of hay, surrounded by dust and two very peeved bunnies, and chatted for a bit.  There was an event that she thought I would enjoy, but alas, I am working that day.  Pity.

Our conversation turned to recent events.  She asked me about emotional fallout.

Don't know, don't care.

She chuckled.

"It's interesting to see this happening again."

Again?

"Watching someone cross your Rubicon."

Hadn't thought of it that way, but she's right.  >she's usually right<

I will smile, and cheerlead, and help, and counsel, and do everything in my power to make sure someone is happy and comfortable.  I will do this even to my own detriment.  I will do this until I discover that someone's moral compass does not point in the same direction as my own.

alea iacta est

And then, I will spiral around in panic and disarray, in utter despair over the notion that this person for whom I have smiled and shown kindness and care for could DO SOMETHING that I would never DREAM of doing, could not BRING MYSELF TO DO.  I will stand in the shower, weeping for the world that I thought I understood.

My panic will turn to anger.  I will seethe with the heat of a dying star.  Some of this anger is self-loathing, for I will hate myself for not acknowledging this obvious and glaring character flaw.  How could I have deluded myself into thinking this person was worthy?

And then my heart, once squishy and safe for that person, will turn to stone.

Forever.

I don't know if you could call it a grudge, really- grudges seem active, like something you have to maintain.  This is more like someone ceasing to exist.

Don't care what they do.  Don't care what they think about me.  Don't care about their feelings.  Don't care about them at all beyond whether or not they hamper my daily life.

I can't ever predict when someone will cross my Rubicon.  99% of the people I interact with will never even see it.

I wonder what it will be like to live here now.  I don't know that most people have inner Rubicons- I know people who break up and get back together with lovers, friends, colleagues, family members.  I cannot imagine how they do this.

Maybe they are better able to warn others of their impending insurrection.

Maybe I do all my forgiving before we reach the river.

alea iacta est

No comments:

Post a Comment