Sunday, August 4, 2013

Working on a Sunday after a deep sort of realization

I worked all day today.  Not "poor-work-life-balance" work, actually scheduled staff time.  I had docents at the front desk all day, so I spent my time feverishly trying to get something in order for my last week of summer camp.  I feel vaguely ready, but I'm still going to try to get to work at 6:30 tomorrow morning.  I like a good panic adrenaline surge.  It's better than coffee.

Working on a Sunday is surreal for me.  I forget that everyone else had a weekend, and I forget that I have to go in again tomorrow.  My usual Monday dread is already half-used.  I am doing everything in my power not to work any more today.  It is difficult.

I put putty in the holes in the concrete in my den, so that I might begin papering the floor sooner rather than later.

I can hear the rats chewing on their cage.  Stop it, assholes, you're undermining the corner that supports the wheel.  Boris, you love the wheel.  Don't sabotage your wheel.

I'm pretty sure I ate some bad sour cream today, and possibly a bad green onion.  I am waiting to see if it has affected me.

I feel so very odd.  Saying out loud that I feel like I have been a ghost since 1996 feels very much like getting my ADD diagnosis.  It's a weird mix of relief and anger and crushing sadness.  I am relieved that there might be a source of my malaise, but I am angry that it took me this long to figure it out.  I am deeply sad for all the versions of me that never got a chance to emerge.  What might have been, and all that.

I am also scared, because now I have to DO something about it.  I can't keep trudging along, knowing what I know, but I also can't allow myself to completely disengage from my job.  Like it or not, my job does require that I keep my head in the game.  I just need to make sure it only stays in the game during business hours.  I need access to more of... me.

Tomorrow I will child-wrangle, and prep for Tuesday's child-wrangling, and deal with home responsibilities, and go paint people to look like famous artwork.  Tuesday I will repeat.  Wednesday I will repeat.  Thursday I will go to the beach with a flock of children to pick up trash, and paint people.

Friday?

Friday I will not go to work, because I worked today.

Friday I will try to find a path from the place I am now to the place I should have been the whole time.

2 comments:

  1. I know it's hard, but you are amazing and now you've realized what flavor of happy you want to set your sights on, and I know you can get it. You are brave and you are worth it.

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  2. You have some tough decisions ahead, for sure. Regret is one of the most difficult emotions. But from here on you can only move on, move forward.

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