Wednesday, January 2, 2013

New year, same old Tante

Hey, bittens.  How's you?  Did you survive the holidays?

To be quite honest, the winter holidays wear me right the fuck out.  My mother's birthday is December 17th, and it just snowballs from there.  I never have any money, I'm a hardcore introvert so all the forced social interaction is exhausting, all my clothes look like hell so it's a pain to dress for any sort of occasion, and I have to work winter camp, which is in my top 3 least favorite parts of my job.  I still have 2 more days of that to go, then I'm done with camps until April.

So I'm rather relieved to be (almost) through it all.

New Roommate has been out of town since the 28th, so I have taken the opportunity to try to organize my shit that is in public areas of the house.  Lots of papers, lots of art supplies, lots of... stuff.  I've been purging as much as I can, trying to reach a point of comfortable storability.  I do not need 300 pencils.  I took a huge box of books to the library.  I broke my paper shredder getting rid of old papers that I can easily access online.  Out out out.  Too much is too much.

I don't go in for resolutions.  I spent my New Year's Eve watching Farscape on Netflix, before they pulled it from the lineup.  I spent all day at work, and went in on New Year's Day, too.  I have too much to do this year, and I'm already behind.  Ridiculous pride will not allow me to drop the ball any more than it has already been dropped.  If they want a superhuman, they're goddamn getting a superhuman.  Cower before me, mortals, I am running on fumes and no sleep and this is getting done.

Besides this upcoming superhuman phase, I feel like I need to tweak other corners of my life as well.  I had the thought the other day that I should try to have feelings again.  It's been a very long time since I felt like a normal human- most days, I feel rather robotic.  Not in a bad, depressed sort of way- I feel an awful lot like Data from ST:TNG most of the time.  I'm pretty sure that's not healthy.  I know I used to have emotions, I just don't remember how.  I'm not entirely sure how I got to this point, and where I want to go.

I'm tired of looking like the wreck of the Hesperus all the time.  When I'm not exhausted and grubby and covered in leaves and animal hair, I'm rather fetching.  Maybe the "look like hell all the time" and "incapable of feeling human emotions" aspects of my life are related.  Perhaps I should care more?  When you've honestly reached the point of having zero fucks left to give, can you come back from that?

On a vaguely related note, dressing better might mean needing money (all my clothes are self-destructing), which means I'll have to prioritize my spending a little more carefully.  It's going to be challenging to decide what to invest in... it's really hard to justify buying anything of any sort of quality, because it's probably going to get sap on it.  I have trouble thrift-shopping for clothes, because I'm quite an odd size for most things.  This will require some thought.  I know I don't want to look like this >sweeping gesture indicating the current heinous look I'm sporting<, but I'm not sure what I'd prefer to wear, either.  If I was super pleased with any of my clothes, I'd maybe start there, but.... nope.

I'm prattling on here because I'm avoiding finishing cleaning the weird pass-through that serves as my office and the bar.  I began cleaning in a fit of mania two days ago, and I'm at the weird-little-unrelated-bits part that always derails my plans.  New Roommate comes home tonight, I'd like to have my shit sorted before that happens.  I also have to spend some quality time with the Photoshop project that my boss unexpectedly dropped on my plate on Monday.  I accidentally deleted about an hour of work I did on it earlier today, and I had to put it down and walk away for a while to avoid a rage aneurysm.  I'm feeling calmer about it now.

You know when you're on a rollercoaster, and you're heading up the hill, and you feel the cars slowing down and going "click click click" right before you drop over the top?

Click...
Click....
Click........

4 comments:

  1. I have you in my favourites bar and I click everyday to see if you have posted. I hope you had a good Christmas and a Happy New Year....wishing you the best of everything in the coming year.

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    1. Why, fang you. Let's all have a good one, shall we? Yes, I think it's a good year for pleasantness.

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  2. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for You and for all the things You feel You would like to change. Hugs!

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    Replies
    1. Fang you! The more crossed fingers, the better, I say.

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